How to Cure Loneliness. Lessons from Being Chronically Single

Anyone can be lonely.

You can be single and be lonely

You can be in a great relationship and be lonely

You can be in a comfortably, unhappy relationship and be lonely

You can be in a horrible relationship and be lonely.

You can be lonely in a crowded room or a crammed, busy schedule. You can be celebrity and be lonely.

There are different kinds of loneliness.

You can be lonely for friends or a best friend.

You can be missing a lover.

You can be missing attention.

You can be missing sex.

You can be missing a soul connection love.

You can be missing purpose or passion.

 After being technically single for 7 or 8 years (at some point I stopped counting), I consider myself a pro at dating and loneliness. J

I really wanted to be with someone. I was trying to date. I didn’t work long hours or make excuses. I put myself out there all the time. I joined groups, online dated, went out to bars, and talked to strangers.

I knew in my head that I am happy single and 90% of the time I would be happy and hopeful. But then were times where I got crushingly depressed.

I would be so jealous of my couple friends. Never having to face the world alone. They could spend a Friday night in watching a movie with their loved one but I had to rally and go out to a bar.

It was always night time when I would get a wave of loneliness.

Loneliness is like a dagger. It’s almost physically painful. It’s like grief, hopelessness, failure, and shame all rolled into one.

I called these little episodes the “lonelies.”

I’m we’ve evolved to feel loneliness to keep us within our tribes. It’s safer, your more like to be able to eat and reproduce.

There isn’t much help to be found online or others when you are lonely. They will say join a meet up group. Do online dating. Volunteer. The person will come one day don’t worry.

I was lonely for true friends to connect with. Lonely for a soul-level connection with a man.

How to I cured my loneliness:

I wasn’t feeling truly connected to my friends. So I got to the point where I decided I just wasn’t going to do anything I didn’t want to do.

I wasn’t going to hang out with anyone I didn’t really want to.

Part of it came the same time I was working on a project that took all my mental and emotional focus. I just didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with friends that I didn’t totally love.

I finally got to the point where I would go to a few bars by myself.

Then I would be resentful that I had to go do this all by myself.

I felt a little less lonely but I felt like I was really efforting.

Finally, I started to listening to Abraham Hicks. She talks about how loneliness is just missing a connection with yourself.

I started working on loving myself. I listened to more of her stuff.

I finally got that you don’t need others to do certain things or be a certain way to make you happy.

You have to make a decision to be happy and to keep focusing your thoughts towards better feelings.

I learned to journal and give myself pep talks to get out of funks. I stopped focuses on an ex that wasn’t ever going to come back.

I started focusing on this super, awesome person that I knew would come waltzing into my life at any point.

Eventually I realized I was in a life-long romance with myself. I felt so lucky to get to spend forever with me.

Now I never feel lonely.

I’m still single. Still don’t have a ton of friends that I super love. But I am happy!

 How you can be less lonely:

1. Stop hanging out with people you don’t really like. Hanging out by yourself doing what you really want to do is much better than doing something you sort of want to do with people you don’t really want to be hanging out with.

2. Start being more yourself. In social media, hobbies, saying what you really mean, etc

3. Don’t depend on others to distract you from your loneliness and unhappiness. If you are in a relationship, it’s not the other person’s job to entertain you. love what you love, travel with you, go to your church, etc.

4. Start falling in love with yourself. You have to hang out with you all the time so love your own company.

5. Give yourself permission to take leaps of faith. Take that big trip, move, find a new job.

6. Be gentle with yourself.

7. Only do what you want to do. Don’t want to do online dating. Then don’t. Don’t do anything that makes you resentful. I finally let myself stay in on a Friday night. I finally let myself get Netflix. I used to deprive myself (punish myself?) saying since I needed to be out and about I don’t need to have TV or Netflix.

8. Don’t blame anyone else for your loneliness. Loneliness only has to do with you and your inner being. You happiness. Your self-love.

9. Know that this great love is coming. Don’t doubt, don’t hope, don’t worry. Just practice knowing it is coming. Exactly how you want. It’s such a relief.

 This doesn’t mean you stop wanting a significant other or meaningful relationships. It’ just means you know that it is coming and you no longer long or yearn for it.