I get this question a lot. How do I know it's time to leave my twin flame situation. Should I hang on a little bit longer? Or cut my losses before I suffer any more pain or humiliation?

We get to this question usually after a lot of pain and true misbehavior of your twin - like ghosting, not wanting to commit, addictive behaviors, or realizing they said they aren't going to leave their current relationship.

There are two or three dominant voices or parts of us that come up when we get to this question of giving up.

Get out now! I want to prevent future pain. I’m crazy.
But maybe it will change? We also hold out hope that things could change. (listen to my podcast on the power of the hope part in twin flame relationships).
I can’t live without them.This will work out. I know it.

The three sides are constantly fighting.

The common narrative of the twin flame that you are meant to be together after a period of healing. This narrative is out there everywhere and the feeling we have in our bodies confirms that.

We might feel that in our hearts they are the one and even see signs all day. Yet we have to face the fact that this person isn't meeting our needs. Many of them are very far from it.

I challenge the narrative that the whole point of meeting your twin is to do healing work and come back together. It didn't happen for me, and it doesn't happen for most people. I think that narrative is toxic and keeps people clinging to bad relationships that do more damage to their self-esteem and even lead to people feeling suicidal.

When we are working on making this decision, we need to look at facts, feelings, and fears.

1. Facts

When coaching people I have them list out the facts about their twin flame's mental health. We are usually experts on them - their childhood, their issues, their commitment problems etc. It's easy to get obsessed with understanding them. For good reasons. If we can figure them out, we can fix it. Say the right things and then get together finally.

However, let's look at some facts around common twin flame behavior - ghosting, addiction, avoidant attachment issues, and being in a relationship with someone else.

Of course, no one is perfect, and maybe you did things you aren't proud of.

There's often a young tender part of us that believes if our love is real and pure and we are perfect, they will come around. It thinks that who we are, our connection, and soulmate love are bigger than their childhood trauma. That is not fact. That is not true.

That wound will win every time. That's why your twin will seem like they are coming around and you know they love you. But bam they ghost again, or they act out. They can't even control their unmanaged wounds.

Twin flame love is not a substitute for therapy for people. You can't heal them. You can't show up in just the right way that the wounded part of them will realize you are safe and it's okay.

The facts are that healing an addiction takes years. You are looking at time in rehab. Time in a program. Therapy. Then a lot of addicts take a year to be single after sobriety. The fact is avoidant attachment takes time to work on in therapy. If you've done any healing work, you know how long it takes. How many different providers and modalities you might try out. You know it's two steps forward and one step back.

They might say they are willing to work on themselves but willingness is not doing.

You also have to look at the motivation levels too. When you did your healing work you probably read every book you could get your hands on. If your twin isn't even interested in having a deep conversation about their behavior and is against therapy. This is going to take even longer to get him really motivated. You might have a chance of motivating them to go to therapy if you leave them for good.

But something else you might want to consider is if you want the same type of relationship. if your twin flame is looking for a safe, easy and fun relationship. That might not match up with your need for a relationship that is about growth, development, and love.

Rate your twin right now on their motivation to heal on a scale from 1 - 10. 10 being really motivated.
List what they are looking for in a relationship and what you are. You can also do this with your ideal partner list. Comparing it to your twin.

2 . Feelings

Next, let's look at feelings.

This is the chemistry, the pull, the love, the knowing this is your forever person, the feeling like if you leave this person you will be losing a piece of you.

I don't call it twin flame crack for nothing!

We are tempted to take the feelings at face value and let them consume us. It could be the first time you've ever felt it, and it feels amazing. You really want to be swept away with it.

It’s incredibly intense in the body and mind. It could be the first time you feel things in your body or a knowing in your spirit. (key word first time! won’t be the last.)

The key to this is discovering how much of this pull is from broken and wounded parts of you. How much is the real spiritual 5d connection you feel? And how much is it a new and novel feeling that is really enjoyable?

In twin flame hypnosis and coaching we often discover a younger version of you that really loves your twin, because it is finally feeling pure love. This inner child might not even be aware that there are hurtful things going on in the relationship.

There's also a deep need to unconditionally love your twin flame. It's often love at first sight. Before we can even access if this is a safe person to love. We skip that step and that, unfortunately, leads to us missing red flags and being okay with our needs not being met.

Unconditional love and twin flames are incredible feelings. To feel so much and so intensely is an experience a lot of people never feel.

But all Love has conditions. The conditions of your love must change if you are feeling more pain than pleasure. If there are more ruptures than repairs. It’s a fantasy to believe in unconditional romantic love.

Many clients have this part we end up calling Big Love or Spirit Love. It's this huge part of you that wants to do the right thing spiritually and love them no matter what. It has this urge to love them in such a big way. Even at the cost of your self-esteem and boundaries.

We have to get to the underside of unconditional love. Otherwise, it pulls us right back into a dangerous situation.

We should have the most conditions and the best expectations for this person who has such a big love for us. We shouldn't lower them in hopes to get a connection and get our needs for validation and love met. It's not a very satisfying love if the love you get comes at a cost of stability, commitment, and teamwork.

3. Fear

There is also the fear that if you end things with your twin, you may be losing out on the love of your life. If you hang in longer, maybe what you want is just around the corner.

You might fear if you end things, you can't handle the pain you are going to feel without them being "completely" spiritually alone.

You might fear they will find someone else.

Every client and even I thought for sure I would never find anyone else with the same level of connection and attraction.

These fears need to be addressed or you will never be able to objectively decide if leaving your twin is best for you.

In conclusion: will being away from your twin flame bring more love into this world? Or staying how the relationship is right now bringing love and joy for you and the world?

Before you decide to give up on your twin flame I want you to consider facts, fears, and feelings. Get to the bottom of both. It's working with your head and heart together.

You can also give this love a timeline. I don’t suggest spending more than a year on this journey. A year is plenty of time for someone to make real progress if it is going to happen at all.

Some additional questions you can ask yourself:

How is your inner child being treated by this person?
How much is their action coming from their trauma vs their loving self?
What age are they acting most of the time?
Do they match our relationship needs and values?
Is who they are in spirit and energetic form, close to how they show up in the 3d world or is there a large discrepancy?
If you were your own mother watching you in this relationship, would you pull your child out? Or would you have your daughter stay in it?
What percentage of the time are you in pain or happy?
Are you feeling depressed or having suicidal thoughts without your twin flame?
Is staying connected and interested in your twin creating more love in this world?
After the initial first stage of bliss and inspiration, do you still feel inspired and excited about life?
Are there more ruptures than repairs?
Have you asked for your needs to be met, and they are still not being met?